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Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/19/12)
      Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
     Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
     Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
     "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/8/12)
      Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago? '
     She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' 
     The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones yet?' 
     She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' 
     The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
     She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..
     Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' 
     She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' 
     The Father asked, 'And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?'
     She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
     The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
     She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/10/11)
      A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.  The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for  $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
     The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?
     The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take the chance..."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/6/11)
     A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
     He answered, "That's okay."
     She said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
     The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. 
     "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. 
     "How come so much?  I only bought 5 items." 
     The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/3/11)
     An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
     When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
     He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said: "Va fanculo!" "Questi sono per il funerale." which translates as “Back off, these are for the funeral.”
Submitted by Peter Burch (10/19/11)
     A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
     'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.
     So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
     'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (10/1/11)
      A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
     "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
     Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
     The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
     The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
     "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
     The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
     A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.
     "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
     "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
     Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, along with a $10 tip.
     "Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (9/21/11)
      A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
     "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" and he slams the door and returns to bed.
     "Who was that?" asked his wife.
     "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
     "Did you help him?" she asks.
     "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
     "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
     The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
     He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
     "Yes," comes back the answer.
     "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
     "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
     "Where are you?" asks the husband.
     Replies the drunk, "Over here, on the swing."
Submitted by Peter Burch (7/28/11)
      There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
     "This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
     "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!”
     “But enough about me. How's your day going?”
Submitted by Buell Hunt (6/16/11)
     A young New York blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every-day, and keep you happy."
     With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From that time on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
     Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
     "l have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
     "l see," said the captain.
     Then her conscience got the best of her and she blurted out, "Plus, he's screwing me."
     "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Submitted by Peter Burch (6/16/11)
      A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blond.  The blond cop asked to see the blond driver's license.  She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
     'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
     The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
     The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
      'Here it is,' she said.
     The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (4/12/11)
      A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
     The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
     The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
     To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich.”
     The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
     A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of the Catholic Church that you remain celibate?”
     The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
     The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
     The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
     The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent - - - thinking - - - for about five minutes.
     Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
Submitted by Frank Donovan (3/1/11)
     Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
     Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
     In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
     Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
     'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Submitted by Joe DeMaio (2/4/11)   

     Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
      MAN:  "Hello"
      WOMAN:  "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"
     MAN: "Yes."
      WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?"
      MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
      WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  I saw one I really liked..."
      MAN: "How much?"
      WOMAN:  "$90,000."
      MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
      WOMAN: "Great!  Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."
      MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.   They'll probably take it.  If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
      WOMAN: "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"
      MAN: "Bye!  I love you, too."
      The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns to them and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Submitted by Peter Burch (1/27/11)
     Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
     After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00….’
     Great’, says Mick, ‘after six months out here, I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’
     As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’…’
     ‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.
     Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too..’
     ’Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
     ‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
     ‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
     Cliff replies, ‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/7/10)
      A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
      After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
      The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
      His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked every where they went?'
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (12/3/10)
     One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.  He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to  rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
     Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said  to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
     "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and  pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the  castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost  forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
     "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied,  "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve,  unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He  opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted  the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
      At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the  middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been  since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (11/4/10)
      Tony, a good Italian man, had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
     He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
     His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The damn funeral director would be my first guess.' 
Submitted by Buell Hunt (11/4/10)
     Sarah and Bill, both 91, lived in a retirement community.  They met in the social center, and discovered, over time, that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Bill asked Sarah out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.
     They had a lovely evening.  The dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and Bill gave Sarah a gift, to show his affection.  Despite his age, Bill was still a charmer. Afterward, Bill asked Sarah to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.  
     Things continued along a natural course - age being no inhibitor.  Sarah soon joined Bill for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd just shared, each was lost for a time, with their own thoughts.
     Bill was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin,  I would have been more gentle".
     Sarah was thinking, "If I had known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose!" 
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/8/10)
      A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
     She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'  Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
     On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.  The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
     Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.  Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
     'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
     'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
     The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'  He lost 63 pounds that week!
Submitted by Buell Hunt (7/13/10)
     The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'  
     'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 
     'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 
     'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 
     A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.  
     The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.  
     The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
     After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 
     So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
     Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply. 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Submitted by Peter Burch (6/16/10)
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (5/7/10)
I love my Chinese Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you? 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: You crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me. 
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (4/22/10)
      A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
     The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. 
     The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
     His Dad replied 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?' 
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/9/10)
 A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
      After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look my wife one day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
     My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/9/10)
     Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’
     ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
     ‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
     ‘Really,’ said Charlie, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
     She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

Submitted by Frank Donovan (3/31/10)
     An 80-year-old man goes for a physical... All of his tests come back normal.
     The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with    God?
     George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the  night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
     'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.   'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
     'Oh, my Lord! ' Ethel exclaims, 'He's peeing in the fridge again!'
Submitted by Peter Burch (11/19/09)
      Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle to bury him at sea when he died. In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
      After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
      Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.
      Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
      Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."
      So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.
      "Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"
      "Yes, finally, "said Barbie. "Hand me the shovel."
Submitted by Walter Alwang (11/17/09)
      God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
     Adam said, "Gladly, Lord. What so  you want me to do?'
     God said, "Go down into that valley."
     Adam said, "What's a valley?"
     God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
     Adam said, "What's a river?"
     God explained it to him. Then God said, "Go over the hill."
     Adam said, "What's a hill?"
     So God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
     Adam said, "What's a cave?"
     After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman.
     Adam said, "What's a woman?"
     So God explained that to him also. Then God said," I want you to reproduce."
     Adam said, 'How do I do that?"
     God first said (under his breath), "Geez…" And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
     So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. But in about five minutes, he comes back.
     God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What now?"
      And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
Submitted by Walter Alwang (11/17/09)
      "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court judge said, "and I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."  "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Submitted by Roger Cerbie (11/03/09)
      An elderly man walks into a confessional, and the following conversation begins:
     Man: I'm 92 years old, and I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
     Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
     Man: What sins?
     Priest: What kind of Catholic are you?
     Man: I'm Jewish!
      Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?
      Man: I'm 92 years old … I'm telling everybody!
Submitted by Roger Cerbie (11/03/09)
      There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the Confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
      The priest said, "Confess and your sins will be forgiven."
      The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
      The priest thought long and hard, and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
      The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
      The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (11/06/09)
     An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the  other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in.
     "Father, forgive me, for it's been a  very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
     The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (10/16/09)
     My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.
     I tell the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.  Then the clerk tells me that $350 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
     The Manager appears and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.  'But we didn't use them. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
     He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' he says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
     The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.  I  wrote a check but the Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' 'this check is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, since I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.'
     'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
     'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.' 
Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/29/09)
      The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,  "Hello."
     "Mrs. Sanders, please."
     "Speaking."
     "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. James at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
     "What do you mean," Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
     "Well, one of the biopsies tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
     "That's dreadful, can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
      "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive test once."
     "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
     "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way  home, don't sleep with him."
Submitted by Peter Burch (9/26/09)
      Housework was the woman's job where they lived, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
     It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
     The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
     'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
     'Oh, that.......... Chuck was too tired.'
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (9/26/09)
      As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the  backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
     I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.  I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
     As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from 'Going Home' and 'The Lord  is My Shepherd' to 'Flowers of the Forest.' I closed the lengthy session with 'Amazing Grace' and walked to my car.
     As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the  workers saying to another, "Man, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."  
Submitted by Peter Burch (2/9/09)
     A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 
     'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 
     They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 
     After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 
     'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 
     'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/30/09)
     Ralph and Edna were  both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking  past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the  bottom and pulled him out.
     When the Head Nurse Director became aware of  Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged  from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally  stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I  have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,  since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and  saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph  hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you  saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'    
     Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go  home?
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/29/09)
     I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay, Stay."
     The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in "PARK?"
Submitted by Frank Donovan (1/28/09)
      In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.  
    The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, statues of Buddha, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
     Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Submitted by Tom Marshall (1/27/09)
     A large company hired a new CEO, who was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour to one of their facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them all know that he meant business.
     He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "Son, how much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man replied. "About $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1600 in cash and screamed," Here's four weeks pay, now get out and don't come back."
     Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?"
     From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/17/09)
      A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work,  so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin'  huntin' tomorrow and I want you to take care of all my patients.'
     'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
     The doctor returns the following day and  asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'
     Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The  first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
     'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
     'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him  MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
     'Bravo, bravo! What about the third one?' asks the doctor.
     'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens  and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself,  taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't  seen a man in over two years!
     'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?'  asks the doctor.
     'I put drops in her eyes.'
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (12/1/08)
     Just before Thanksgiving, I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, but finally I got fed up and yelled at the parrot.
     The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and  kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
     Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and  actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
     I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to  ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the  bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/13/08)
     A man got a call from his doctor whom he had seen the day before. The doctor said, “I have good news and bad news.”
     The man replied, “You had better give me the good news first.”
     The doctor responded, “You have an incurable disease and have only one day to live.”
     The man replied, “Wow, I can’t imagine what the bad news is.”
     The doctor replied, “I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
Submitted by Peter Burch (7/10/08)
     A West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door.  A young boy about 9 years old opened the door. "Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.
     "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied.  "He went into town."
     "Well," said the farmer, "'is yer Ma here?"
     "No, sir, she ain't here neither.  She went into town with Pa."
     "How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?"
     "He went with Ma and Pa."
     The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa.  It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
     The boy considered for a moment.   "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.  "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (7/5/08)
     I want to live my next life backwards!  You  start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.  Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.  When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
     When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.  You work 35-40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.  So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
     As you get even younger, you become a kid again.  You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.  In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.  You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
     Until finally... you finish off as an orgasm.  I rest my case.
Submitted by Buell Hunt (6/23/08)
 Dear Tide,
     I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
     In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
     I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.      
     What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
     Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (2/21/08)
     Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street. Working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it again. 
     An onlooker asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it? Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
     The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
Submitted by Kerry Muravnick (2/20/08)
     The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
     She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
     You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
     She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
     Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined this horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.
     The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
     A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
Submitted by Dewey Dow (2/6/08)
      A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
     Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and then he embraced and kissed her passionately.
     The woman quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.  Can you do this?"
     The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/25/08)
     I was barely sitting down in the men's room when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
     I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
     And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
     What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
     At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
     Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him "No. I'm a little busy right now!!!"
     Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."
Submitted by Joe Giannetti (1/19/08)
     A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
     The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
     "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
     "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
     The pastor asked him what happened.
     "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
     But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
     "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
     "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."
Submitted by Dick Sause (1/15/08)
     A man come out of the men's room and his wife noted that he had "soaked" his pants.
     She asked him how this happened. He replied that he had just been fitted with his first pair of bifocals.
     "When I looked down, I saw a big one and a little one, so I put the little one away."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/6/08)
     A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.
     He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night." So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs: "Mom! You still awake?"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (1/4/08)
     At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic church, the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
     Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"
     The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
     Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."
Submitted by Peter Burch (8/30/07)
     I was walking by the duck pond in Hubbard Park this past summer and came upon three ducks talking to each other. So I asked the first duck, "What's your name?"
     The duck said, "I'm Huey." So I said, "How's your summer been?" And the duck answered, "It's been great! I've been in and out of puddles all summer long."
     I asked the second duck, "What's your name?" And this duck answered, "I'm Dewey. I've had a terrific summer too, going in and out of puddles."
     So I said to the third duck, "I suppose your name is Louie." And the third duck replied, "No, I'm Puddles."   
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (8/28/07)
      An older, white- haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
     The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
     The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
     The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
     Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
     "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! "

Submitted by Len Bialek (7/8/07)
     A rabbi, a priest and an imam are play­ing golf one afternoon. But the quartet in front of them is incredibly slow, so slow that it takes seven hours for them to play just nine holes. As they enter the pro shop after they have finished, the club pro asks, "So, did you enjoy the day?"
     "Yes, yes," one of the men says, "we appreciate your kindness. But the four gentlemen in front of us were sur­passingly slow. It took us seven hours just to play nine holes. Doesn't the club have rules that say that people need to play at a certain speed on your course?"
     "Oh, l feel awful," the club pro says. "I should have told you. Once a week, we invite some of the gentlemen from the community's Center for the Blind to enjoy our course, and this afternoon, they happened to play in front of you"
     "By all that is holy!" the priest says. "I am going to immediately go confess my sin of self-involvement, then get started straight­away on my Sunday sermon, about the dangers of selfishness."
     "Allah, most gracious!" says the imam. "I am right now driving to the mosque, where I will kneel toward Mecca and beseech the One True God to help me be more humble, to help me be more compassionate to those less fortunate."
     "So," says the rabbi, 'they couldn't have played at night?"
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (5/28/07)
     There was a man who had worked all his life and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me." And so he got his wife to promise him that when he died, she would put all the money into the casket with him.
     Well, he died. When they finished the funeral ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment." She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
     So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
     The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a good wife. I cannot go back on my word."
    "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?" asked her friend.
     "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. He can cash it whenever he wants."
Submitted by Rene Tompkinson (4/22/07)
             A lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
            The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
            Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
            Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
            The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
            Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (3/12/07)
      Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
     The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today.  When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.  That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
     Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........By the way, you got nice house."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (2/17/07)
 I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager  sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different  colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.  When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter  old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/22/07)
      A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Ontario. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
     "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes," she says. "What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
     The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/20/07)
 A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!" 

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?" 

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" 

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?'' The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.'' The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

Submitted by Buell Hunt (1/10/07)
 After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid  passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning. As I approached,  there  in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: "Lord, it's up to  you...if you  want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
Submitted by Peter Burch (10/31/06)
 An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'
No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor!'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
Submitted by Dewey Dow (9/19/06)
      Guy named Ed forgets his wife's birthday, and she is really angry. "Tomorrow morning," she tells him, "I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds."
     Sure enough, the next morning Ed's wife looks out the window and sees a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She retrieves the package, brings it into the house, opens it and finds a brand new bathroom scale.
     Funeral services for Ed are pending.
Submitted by Rob Reiners (9/17/06)
      A blonde who was speeding at 110 mph was pulled over by a state trooper, who was also blonde and female. When asked for her driver's license, the driver frantically looked through her glove compartment and even dumped her purse upside down.
     'What does a driver's license look like?" she asked the policewoman.
     "Well, it's about the size of a credit card and it has your picture on it" replied the trooper.
     The driver happened to open her compact, saw her face in the mirror, and said "Oh, this must be it." She handed the compact to the trooper.
     The trooper looked at it and replied, "Oh, if I had known you were a policewoman, I never would have pulled you over."
Submitted by Meade Johnson (9/15/06)
      A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.  "A priest." "Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
     Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
     Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
     The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn voice:
     "B-4  I-19  N-38  G-54  O-72"
Submitted by Bob Newcomb (8/22/06)
      Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, and Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, sinking to the bottom of the pool. Edna promptly jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
     When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving a life in an emergency. The bad news is that Jim hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
     Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I just put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (7/12/06)
 A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:  "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
     You talk ? "  he asks.
     "Yep," the Lab replies.
     "So, what's your story ? "
     The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk  when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from  country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
     "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't  getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
     "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of  medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
     The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants  for the dog.
     "Ten dollars," the guy says.
     "Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling  him so cheap?"
     "Because he's a liar.  He never did any of that stuff."
Submitted by Joe DeMaio (7/5/06)
       A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" 
     "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." 
     "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 
     "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. 
     Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.  We observe all union rules." 
     The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
    "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
     "That's more like it!" the union man said. 
     He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. 
     "I'd like her," he said. 
     "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a  92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/10/06)
             An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
            Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
            The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
            The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well,"  the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
            The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." And so they were wed right away.
            Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
            "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...  pregnant when you met her."
Submitted by Peter Burch (1/10/06)
      Two men went hunting & were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
     "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
     After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
     "Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (11/15/05)
      An atheist was taking a walk through the woods when he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could, but the bear was closing in on him. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. Rolling himself over, he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
     At that instant, the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!...”
     Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
     As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, and teach others I don’t exist. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
     The atheist looked directly into the light: “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian.”
     “Very well,’ said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
     And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
     “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/28/05)
      A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage  bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of  the bags, and
 every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
      Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag"
     "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go  back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
     "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?  Did you steal it?"
     "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard  backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there's a  game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower  beds!"  "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
 time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:  "$20 or off it comes!"
     "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!  By the way,  what's in the other bag?"
     "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up" . . . . 
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/28/05)
       A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
     The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
     The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
     So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "
     The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
     The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
     The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
     By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
     The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/6/05)
      Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The  house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 4-year-old  girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he  helped deliver the baby.
     Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,  and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
     The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 4-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again!"
Submitted by Buell Hunt (6/30/05)
     "You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
     She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
     Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
     Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First Methodist Church.
Submitted by Rev. Robert Stocksdale (4/5/05)
Two Episcopal priests die on the same day and apply for admission to heaven. St. Peter tells them that the computers are down, and that the two will have to return to earth for a week until the computers are fixed. "However," he says, "you can be whatever you want for the next week, just let me know." The first priest says he has always wanted to be an eagle that can soar in the skies, so St. Peter makes him into an eagle and sends him back to earth. The second priest says he has always wanted to be a stud, so St. Peter carries out his wishes and sends him back to earth also. A week later, God tells St. Peter that the computers are fixed and it is time to get the two priests into heaven. St. Peter says, "It will be easy to get the first priest back, but I don't know about the second, he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/20/05)
     Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the city of Rome . Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? 
     The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay!"
     An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
     Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"
Submitted by Peter Burch (9/21/04)
     A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something. In fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
     "Well," the doctor replies, "go home and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
     Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
     He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
     She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Submitted by Ed Wallace (7/7/04)
     It was a new day at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died."
     The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
     St. Peter let the man in and then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
     St. Peter let him into heaven. "Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.
     "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Submitted by Bob Newcomb (6/25/04)
      A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
     Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
     Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.  The park administrator thought they might have a solution.  Eddie was approached with a proposition.  Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
     Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. 

     "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."  The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
     "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."  The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
     "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."  Once again the administrator agreed.
     And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Submitted by Jim Teagle (3/20/04)
      An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."
     The other man said, "What’s the name of the restaurant?"
     The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
     His friend replies, "A carnation?"
     "No. No. The other one," the man says.
     His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
     "No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
     His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
     "Yes, yes that’s it," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Submitted by Bob Newcomb (3/14/04)
     Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
     He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
     She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 
     The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
     She says, "That he did, Father." 
     The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 
     She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
and another 
     A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
     The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."
Submitted by Buell Hunt (12/15/03)
     A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
     A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
     "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
     "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of me."
     The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Submitted by Carol Erasmus (10/27)
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"  To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Submitted by Peter Burch (10/22)
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would just be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Submitted by Buell Hunt (10/22)
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Submitted by Peter Burch (9/30)
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms."

Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/30)
A blonde decides to try horseback riding and mounts the horse unassisted. The horse immediately springs into motion and gallops along at a steady pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse but unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.  

Thank God for heroes.

Submitted by Dick Kupstis (9/30)
 A blonde asked her mechanic friend how to get rid of all the dents and dings in her car. He told her to wait until her car cooled down and then blow forcefully into the exhaust pipe, thus popping out all the dents and dings. So after the car cooled down, she followed his advice and blew vigorously into the exhaust pipe for about five minutes, but with no results.

After confiding this to her blonde friend, the friend laughed and said, “Hello!!!  Of course it didn’t work. You forgot to close the windows.”

Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/15)
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
  4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
  6. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply a Band-Aid to spouse's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  7. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot of scotch. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table; find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fish filet.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  8. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

  1. Wrap it in bacon.
  2. Toss it into the air.
Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/15)
 Duncan MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the residents' dorm. After he had some time to settle in and get used to the place, his mother called to see how he was adapting to English life.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on the left side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the right side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Submitted by Buell Hunt (9/6)
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared a bacon and eggs breakfast for him. He noticed a filmy substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather......."Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate  that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said......"I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the T.V. screen, his grandfather shouted........ "COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THERE. LEAVE HIM ALONE!"
Submitted by John Burch (7/13)
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman for speeding:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.  

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5, police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer. The second officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Submitted by Carol Erasmus (7/11)
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?"
     The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
     The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
     To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
     A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
     The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
     The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
     The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
     The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Submitted by Jim Abrams (at the May 27 Ysmen meeting)
     On Sunday, a mother went into her son’s bedroom and told him to get ready for church. Her son responded that he wasn’t going to church today and his mother asked him why.
     He responded, “Three reasons: first, it’s boring; second, I’m tired; and third, I just don’t feel like it.”
     His mother retorted,” Yes, you will be going to church today and here are my three reasons: first, it’s the right thing to do; second, you’re 45 years old; and third, you’re the minister.”  
Submitted by Peter Burch (4/18)

THE WISDOM OF SIXTH GRADERS (History class)

  • Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  • Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  • Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  • Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  • Abraham Lincoln became America 's greatest Precedent. Lincoln 's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
  • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Submitted by Ellen Ornato (2/26)

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He is swept away!

She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, Okay!"

A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of  nowhere and crashes on the beach.. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat..." 

Submitted by Jim Teagle (1/29)

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. 

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so!" the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Submitted by Dewey Dow (12/16)

Two brooms decided to marry. One was, of course, the bride broom. The other was the groom broom.

At the wedding reception, the bride broom said to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a little whisk broom!"

"Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."

Submitted by Dewey Dow (12/7)
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I'm feeling very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."
Submitted by Dick Kupstis (11/15)

Five cannibals are hired as designers in a auto company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now.  You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.  So please don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised to be good.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.  However, one of our janitors has disappeared.  Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss leaves, the cannibal leader asks, "OK, which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool !  For four weeks we've been eating Supervisors, Team Leaders, and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and now you have to go and eat the janitor !"

Submitted by Marv Beloff (11/4)

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. 

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Submitted by Marv Beloff (11/4)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.?

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on...very tall, long eye-lashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Submitted by Peter Burch (10/17)

A blind redneck enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool & orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know 5 things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde & is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde & is a professional wrestler."

"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind redneck thinks for a second, shakes his head, & declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Submitted by Larry Brautigam (10/17)

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my  alligators."

Submitted by Dewey Dow (10/9)

While walking down the street, three male dogs were rendered almost speechless when they spotted a gorgeous female Poodle. Said the Poodle, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in an intelligent sentence gets to go out with me."

The black lab blurted, "I love liver and cheese." "That’s childish," scoffed the Poodle.

She turned to the Golden Retriever. "I HATE liver and cheese," he said. "My, my," said the Poodle. "You're hopeless."

She turned to the Taco Bell Chihuahua and said, "How about you, little guy?" He winked and said to the other two, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

Submitted by Ed Wallace (10/5)

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of  the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.

He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."

It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important."

"Well, WHO in the world is it?!" screamed the chief.

The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"

Submitted by Matt Studinski (9/26)

And your doctor says that  you're overweight???
Click here

Submitted by Curt Disbrow (9/26)

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed...... I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those  loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him  yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny  way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window  and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

I will write again soon.
Love,
Grandma

Submitted by Ed Wallace (9/18)

BEAR ALERT
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National forests.  They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.  They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.     

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Submitted by Bill Collett (8/23)

EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

I started by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a while, I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks, and finally, I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more  than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

Submitted by Rosa Malczynski (friend of Peter Burch) (8/8)

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.  

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." 

Submitted by Ed Wallace (8/4)

And you think you've got problems coming up? Click here.

Submitted by Marv Beloff (7/12)

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please - please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," replied Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Submitted by Frank Donovan (7/2)

Click here to view an Organizational Chart which would be accurate for any company.

Submitted by Peter Burch (6/22)

     A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan for my vacation”
     Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK because he knows the bank manager.
     Pattie explains that he’ll need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says “sure” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant.
     Confused, Pattie goes to speak to the bank manager. She tells him, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this porcelain elephant as collateral. What should I do?”

The bank manager replies,
“It’s a knickknack, Pattie Whack. 
Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Submitted by Curt Disbrow (6/14)

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by  the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand  Emir.

'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but a man is sitting on the well."

Submitted by Jean Addy (friend of Peter Burch)(2/5)

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite  it." 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.